Dripping wet with sadness

Tonight, I don't feel like blogging. I'm so tired I can barely keep my eyes open. My body hurts too. But I want to say something...I want to do it in "journal" form cause I feel like verbalizing it will only lead to others saying "Oh Tish, that's not true". Whether or not it's true isn't the issue really. It is more complex than that. Or maybe I'm trying to say it is much simpler than that. Whatever. It's about how I FEEL. And how I feel is shitty.
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Maybe I'm hard on myself. That probably isn't healthy. But neither is drinking a soda pop. When I'm hard on myself, I feel I deserve it. Just like when my day has been a near beat down, I feel I deserve that soda containing caffeine. Not only is it what I deserve, I feel it is what I NEED. Again, healthy? No...and that's okay.
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So anyway, I want to bring it to everyone's attention how fully aware I am that I don't blog like I used to. I used to blog ALL the time. I'd make note of milestones reached, tell funny stories, etc. Unfortunately (and definitely not by choice), things have changed. My daily requirements don't allow me to blog the way I want to. The desire is there, but the energy to do it is not. So many nights, I have plans - plans to take a hot bath, to read an interesting magazine article, etc. But by the time we get the boys to sleep, I'm so low on fuel. I barely have enough energy to use the bathroom and brush my teeth before crawling into bed. It might sound weird, but have you ever almost cried (yes, really almost shed tears) cause it felt so good to be in bed? For the first time, your body wasn't so strained, the vice on your brain was finally loosened, etc?
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The sad thing is that new, wonderful, exciting, and funny things always happen in our house - with Ray, Grayson, me, and Zander - together or separately. I wish I still had the time and energy to record them all. I would LOVE to have these things recorded for Grayson and Zander to always have. BUT I just can't. I'm too tired. But needless to say, me blogging SO much less is not caused by less great happenings.
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I absolutely HATE that Zander doesn't and won't have the baby record of his first year of life that Grayson has. Grayson has a GREAT collection of stories and will get a good idea of himself from birth to age 1. Zander will not. My guilt isn't backed by a need to keep Zander "caught up" with Gray. I just wish I could do for Z what I did for G. The desire is there. The energy just isn't.
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When I look at my sweet little Zan, I think of all the things he does that I'd love to share with the world and make note of for permanent record.
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I have to finish this thought later. I'm falling asleep as I type this.
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