no direction here.

This blog has no direction. I've given it absolutely no thought. I'm just speaking as my brain churns out thoughts. That usually results in me getting frustrated when my fingers can't keep up with my brain. Oh well, I'll give it a shot.
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Our house hadn't become calm, but it began to run a little more smoothly. Ray and I didn't talk about it too much in fear that we would make things go back to normal...well, "our normal" (which isn't really normal). We agreed to just ride it out as long as we could. We hit some bumps - even some big ones - but we kept looking straight ahead, almost as if we were ignoring it. We enjoyed a few weeks of a little less stress, a little more rest, etc. It was nice. But all good things have to come to an end, right? No, that doesn't always have to be the case. There are exceptions, and we really hoped our situation was one.
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We do have some great times in our house with our two boys and our three dogs. They don't always happen on their own. We often have to "jump start" them. But fortunately, when we create certain situations, work together, and vow to live in the moment, we make some great memories. The best of all of us is right there - all together. Sometimes it only lasts a few minutes and you can't help but feel a bit violated by the person who ruins it all, but it is so nice to experience "us", our family - together and happy - the way it was meant to be.
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I can't speak for anyone else. I can only speak for me, so that's what I'll stick to. Because our situation at home is quite stressful, it isn't too common that I feel like I'm on the same level with Ray, Grayson, and Zander. When those times exist, it is great. But usually, I feel more understood by a particular person than another. I often feel someone isn't trying to understand my point of view or thinking about how I feel. I'm not some self-centered asshole though. Just as often (if not more), I look at someone else (Ray, Gray, or Zan) and can't help but feel so sad that I feel sick, as I think "Poor guy. What did he do to deserve this?"
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We all love each other so much. There's no doubt about it. We all love each other and care more about each other than anyone else in this world. We are just four people with different beliefs, different tolerance levels, different personalities, have different ways of expressing ourselves, etc. No one is to blame for the situation we are in. But at different times, one of us (or more than one of us at once) is the cause for the situation becoming more difficult than it already is. When its me, I could kick myself in the ass. When it's someone else, I take this incredibly deep, personal hit that bounces around inside of me for so long. It's a direct hit to my heart. By the time my body is ready to light the exit sign, I'm left feeling so incomplete, so empty. I'm shocked. I'm confused. I'm so tired. I can't see myself taking a chance on experiencing the same thing (or anything close to it) the very next day. That's when I have to tell myself not to think of tomorrow too much, to just replay the good over and over in my head so the bad doesn't "get me". After all, I wouldn't ever want to unknowingly forfeit the privilege of waking to experience my wonderful husband and my two lovely baby boys, in any form.
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I still ask myself ever single day if I'm all Ray, Grayson, and Zander need me to be. And to be honest, there are days I tell myself I can't be that rock solid person each of them want me to be no matter how hard I try. I can portray myself as a super being at times, but the truth is I'm not one. I'm a regular ole human...no special sprinkles were put into my batter.
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But one thing I do have is a BIG BIG heart and a VERY STRONG mind. They work together to maintain my sanity, preserve our family and keep hope alive that we will one day experience life, each other, and ourselves in our varying roles the way we want to. It's the circumstances - not the combination of us - that isn't right. And needless to say, the circumstances are out of our control. I'm not asking to get off the roller coaster. I'm just asking to slow it down a little so we can enjoy the ride.
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Right now, we're flying at a speed that is scary and quite dangerous. We'll get everything under control. I know we will. They key is just to do it before the park closes. I don't want to walk away in the darkness as the lights are shut off one by one as I think about what I could've done. To me, regret is the worst thing in the world. It will eat you alive. Therefore, I avoid it at all costs. Experiencing regret would mean battling myself...and that equates to always being defeated. Right?
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I gotta go. I'm tired. Should I climb onto a cloud? It kinds sounds dreamy, doesn't it?
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But instead of crawling into bed and fading away, I'd rather braid my arms around my dear Ray, hold my Grayson's hand, or put my Zander's face next to mine. One day, I'll do all those things. And it'll be in real life too! I cannot wait until that day! That will be MY day, friend! No! It would be OUR day - mine and my family's day! It'll be the best day ever! Bring it on, baby! I welcome the intense emotion, the undeniable comfortness of all I long for. It'll be mine soon. It will! And as soon as I get it, I'll never let it go again.
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If you don't understand or agree with all I have to say, forget I said it. I might do the same.
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Good night. I gotta go before I get me.
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