Me. Now.

I can't say enough how much I love being pregnant. It is truly a miracle. It is the most awesome, wonderful thing to experience. Carrying Grayson was amazing. Carrying Zander is just as amazing. I wouldn't trade or forfeit the experience of carrying my two boys for anything in the world. I have not strayed from that even when I've been in a lot of pain. Any discomfort or pain I feel is very real and impossible to ignore, but I know the situation is temporary. Nine months is such a short time compared to my entire lifetime. And just to think that after these 9 months, mine and Ray's second child will be born. He'll come into this world to begin his journey of life.
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Though mine and Ray didn't have what I'd call a "bad childhood" by any means, we strive to give Grayson a better life than what we've had. And we will do the same with Zander. Isn't that what life is all about - providing a good foundation for your child's life? I often think about the story my Granny told me so many times. Her parents kept having children so they would have more help on their farm. I understand why (she was born in 1912). Times were so different. Ray and I so carefully planned both of our pregnancies. We saw great value in having a sibling since neither he nor I have a brother or sister. We agreed that having our two kids close would provide them an even greater opportunity to be good friends. Of course, we had no idea we would have a boy this time. When we found out we were indeed expecting our second son, we were so excited! Two boys. Brothers. Buddies. Grayson. Zander. :)
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Okay, I guess I got on a roll there letting my feelings flow, and it felt good. But to get to my original point...
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With only 4 days left until Zander is born, I wish I could scream from a mountaintop how READY I am. I am incredibly uncomfortable, and at times, in a lot of pain. When Ray reminds me how few days we have. I smile and say, "Yeah, but tomorrow wouldn't be soon enough". And I know Zander has to be really cramped up in there. He doesn't seem to be comfortable. But besides being ready for Zander and I to be more comfortable, I am VERY excited! I'm ready to hold our little boy, introduce him to Gray, etc. And I know it will be more wonderful than I imagine. :)
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I am also really ready to feel better - not only for me but for Ray, Grayson, and Zander too. I think I've done a good job keeping up Grayson. I haven't neglected him in any way or allowed him to feel any less important/loved. But in the last few weeks, I've had an incredibly tough time physically. I have contractions. I have leg pain. Fortunately, one usually distracts me from the other. Dealing with them at an intense level simultaneously is nearly impossible. I am so lucky to have a lot of help from both Ray and my mom. They have taken over doing things that I simply cannot do anymore (like battle G to get his diaper changed). Gray knows a lot about my belly - that it's growing, that it houses a baby named Zander who is his brother, etc. Now whether or not he completely understands my belly is the reason being my being different, I have no idea.
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It does my heart such good to see how, hear, and feel the love Ray has for Grayson. He is such a great dad. I look at both Ray and Grayson and think of how neither of them knows how lucky they are. And I love seeing how much Grayson is into my mom, his Mimi. He loves being with her. She is very interactive with him and truly appreciates everything about him. I think he will have the kind of relationship with her that I had with my Granny and still have with my grandfather.
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But I can't lie and say I love handing over most of my daily life to anyone else. Again, I need and truly appreciate all their help. I just miss how things were with Grayson and I. He and I used to dance together all the time. He likes being picked up and danced around the room to fast music. I know every song he loves. And I always found it so incredibly adorable when he discovered a new song he liked and would come running to me so we could dance to it. I so want to dance with him now. It's been so long...and I miss it so much. I just know my belly doesn't allow me to do it at at this point. It makes me cry talking about it.
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So, the other night, I picked Grayson up when he came to me and asked me to dance. We only danced maybe 4 or 5 seconds. It hurt so bad, but it was so great! It was what he wanted and what I not only wanted but needed. After that short time, I set him back down cause I just couldn't do it anymore. I can't tell you how my heart was ripped to shreds when he clung on to my pants, tried to pull himself up my legs, and cried. I knelt down, held him, and told him I'm so sorry, that we'll be dancing together again soon - just like we used to. I just hope he still wants to dance with me when I'm healed and able to do it.
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I long to hold Grayson. I love making him laugh...and him making me laugh. I love how he lays his head on my shoulder. I love rubbing his back and kissing his neck.
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And I think about Zander too. I think about how it's so great to hold him in my tummy but how I want to hold him in my arms. I think about how I want to kiss his sweet face.
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I'm so READY to have my two boys - and my husband all in my arms. Once Grayson is born, I can be hugged and be hugged like I'm used to. I can keep up with all of them rather than yelling, "Go ahead...I'm right behind ya'll".
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I miss feeling good. I miss Ray. I miss Grayson. And I long for Zander. In just 4 days, I'll stop crying and start enjoying my guys the way I want to. Until then, I hear the constant ticking of the clock as I wait.
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I love today, but I'm ready for tomorrow.
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