for just a moment

When Gray and I went to the store yesterday, I saw something wonderful. But this wonderful thing made me so sad. Even though Grayson is only 15 months old, I think he knows so much. And I'm sure he hears, sees, and understands so much more than we realize. So, sometimes I find myself wondering if he heard that mother yelling at her child, saw the faint rainbow I showed him in the distance a week or so ago, etc. My guess is that he just might have heard something or saw it BEFORE me. Although I can't protect him from all the unpleasant sights and sounds of this world, I do worry how they will affect him. And as weird as it sounds, there are times that I worry about him seeing wonderful things about this world and wonder why he can't have them too. I don't mean living in a mansion or his parents driving him to school in a Maserati - nothing physical. I worry that Grayson will wonder why he doesn't have what he and I saw yesterday...
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There is a chance G might have seen it too. Maybe he didn't because I didn't see it until I put Gray in his car seat and walked around to the driver's side. What we saw was a grandpa carrying his grandson who looked to be Grayson's age. Instead of holding the little boy on his hip, the old man held him high (close to his chest). The little boy's head actually sat an inch or two above his grandpa's head. Because of the little boy's position, they were nearly face to face. The little boy smiled as he listened to his grandpa talk to him. I couldn't help but stare. It was so obvious that that little boy was the apple of his grandpa's eye and vice versa. For just a moment, I felt sad. I wanted Grayson to have what that little boy has. My wish isn't unreasonable. Everyone should have such a wonderful relationship with their grandpa. BUT the fact is that Gray just doesn't have a grandpa like that and might not ever. First and foremost, my dad is a loser. I don't trust him with my child - in the least bit. That's all there is to it. My father won't ever have such a relationship with my child(ren). I'll make sure of it. And otherwise, Grayson's dad and stepdad simply live far away. Ray's stepdad is only a state away, but it is too far for a close relationship. Ray's dad usually lives on the west coast, but he is currently residing in Hong Kong. Soon, Grayson will be able to talk to his relatives on the phone. But nothing replaces one on one time together - talking face to face, going places, etc.
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I cannot tell you how much I value the relationship I have always had with my grandfather. He was fun to hang out with, such a good friend. Actually, he still is. But sadly enough, I don't think Grayson will get to know his great-grandfather too well. It seems that he is slowly giving up on life since his wife died.
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As hard as I try not to let it bother me, I sometimes let the "lack of a father" bother me. And now that we have Grayson (and another one on the way), the thought of him really angers me. But the best news of all is that my father will not negatively impact my children's lives the way he did mine. Because of that, I feel peaceful. That and the fact that Grayson has the most wonderful dad in the world who loves him so much and will always be a great guide and friend to him. Ya know, Grayson is sopped with our love every minute, every single day, and through each night...it's neverending. Everyone who could/should know Gray better and be closer to him are simply missing out. On days like yesterday when I saw that grandpa and his little grandson, I wish Grayson's situation were different. But it is how it is...and when I think about it, Grayson might be aware of what he doesn't have but he won't need them to be complete. He has all he needs and more. His smile is proof of that. :)
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