funnies for your weekend!

I heard Grayson on the monitor early this morning. He wasn't ready to wake up. He was just making a little noise. And unfortunately, I got a case of the "wide awakes". Instead of going back to bed and getting frustrated because I couldn't go back to sleep, I decided to get online. I looked at all my favorite websites. I read the entertainment headlines on ABCNews.com and MSNBC.com, got caught up on my friends' blogs, wrote a few emails, etc. After all that, I still wasn't tired.
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I started thinking of my grandfather and wondering if he was getting some sleep or laying there wishing he was. Besides having a little bout of a stomach virus of some sort, my Paw has been in good spirits. It seems that time is beginning to heal him as others said it would. I'm very glad. But still, his life is so radically different than before. He has so much free time that he simply doesn't know what to do with himself. I've talked to him every day since my grandmother died about three weeks ago. He sounds a little more like his usual self every day. That makes me very happy. For the last 3 or 4 years, he was so tied to my grandmother. He was at her side day and night, tending to her each and every need...and in the process, he kinda lost himself. I'm seeing a side of him that I forgot existed. A few days ago, he called me just to tell me a joke. :) To be almost 80 years old, he tells a joke well (better than me actually)! He knows how to send and receive email - even ones with attachments. Anyway, as I sat here at the computer this morning, I thought about how much he enjoyed telling me that joke. So, I went to www.jokes.com to look up a few jokes to send him.
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While searching that website, I found a few about kids that I think are really cute!
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When I read the first one, I thought of my friends who are either single or "coupled" but childless. Here it is...ENJOY!
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Are You Ready for Children?

Are you considering having children? To determine whether you are truly prepared for the experience, we suggest you take this set of simple tests...

MESS TEST:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST:
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN)
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT:
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
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When we drove out of our neighborhood the other day, we noticed a sign posted that said, "Pool Opens May 1". We talked about how it will be fun to take G to the pool once the crowds die down some. He will really enjoy it. He did last summer. And I'm sure he'll enjoy it more and more each year. When he's four or five years old, the news of the pool opening will thrill him. So, in the spirit of the scorching heat we are already experiencing and the fun that is yet to be had at the pool, here is another joke for you to enjoy:
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Peeing in the Pool

A boy was at a public pool.

The lifeguard blew his whistle at the boy and yelled, ''Hey! Don't pee in the pool!''

The boy replied, ''But everybody does it!'' ''Not from the diving board!'' shouted the lifeguard.
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