NIGHT·MARE - a dream arousing feelings of intense fear, horror, and distress.

A few nights ago, I had the worst dream I’ve ever had. Actually it was a NIGHTMARE.

As you know, dreams are so powerful. They feel so real and often become something you can’t forget no matter how much you want to and how hard you try.

To sum up my nightmare, Grayson got kidnapped. At this very moment, the thought of that really happening almost makes me feel physically ill and mentally displaced.

The first thing I can recall about my dream is a female investigator telling Ray and I we had to hold a press conference. I was ticked off about that because obviously, I wasn’t up for talking about such a personal tragedy on TV. The investigator told me it just might bring Grayson home to us. Of course, I would’ve done anything (been on TV naked or cut off my finger with a butcher knife) to get Grayson back.

I remember staring blankly into an audience full of people – some holding cameras, some holding microphones, and some holding a notepad and pen. For the most part, everyone and everything in sight was a blur. Every now and then, one person’s face would become clear enough for me to see tears streaming down their face as they listened to the horrific details, saw the pain in our eyes, and heard the fear in our voices. Ray and I told what led up to the moment we discovered Gray was missing. Also, I remember questions being shot at us from every direction. I can’t remember a thing that was said. The press conference seemed to last several hours, though I’m sure it only lasted a few minutes.

Finally, I had enough! I felt dizzy and sick. I leaned over and whispered to Ray, “I can’t do this anymore”. He looked at me and then at the investigator. She gave him a look like, “Talk to her”. I went inside what I think was our house, and Ray followed. He said, “What is it?” I said, “What do you mean WHAT IS IT?! I can’t do this!!!!! All I know is that I want Grayson back!!!!!! I cannot do this anymore!!! I CAN’T DO THIS!!!!!!!!” He said, “But we have to do this – for Grayson”. I said, “I did it. I said all that needed to be said. I don’t want to talk about it anymore!!! I just want Grayson back!!!!!!!!!!!” He said, “Tish, what’s upsetting you the most?” I yelled, “That our son is GONE!!! That’s what’s upsetting me most!!!!! What kind of question is that?!?!?!” He lowered his head and lifted it back up with tears filling his eyes. He quietly said, “I don’t want to do this either. It’s hard. Like you, all I want I Grayson back. I was just wondering what makes you saddest at this very moment”. As tears streamed down my face and my voice began to crack, I said, “That when he talks, we won’t be there to hear him…when he smiles, we won’t be there to smile back at him…he doesn’t feel our heartbeat against his. He wonders where his Mommy and Daddy are. He doesn’t understand why we aren’t there…” Ray threw his arms around me and together, we sobbed uncontrollably.

Then, I woke up.

Needless to say, I woke up in a panic! I was out of breath, sweating, confused, and sore all over like I had been hit by a Mac Truck. It was awful.

Believe it or not, just writing about my dream brings tears to my eyes. It was definitely the most horrible, sickening, heartbreaking dream I’ve EVER had.

When we were expecting Grayson, I dreamed he got kidnapped. Many would say that means something. It does. And I don’t need someone to interpret it. I know what it means. It isn’t literal. It isn’t that I fear Grayson being kidnapped. What I fear is missing out on any part of his life. One day, I know he’ll be on his own – going to school, working, with his own family, etc. But until he is ready to be on his own, Ray and I want to be very involved with him. We want to be available to him 24/7. We want to teach him as much as we can. We want to give him the best of everything we can. There is no better person to care for Gray than Ray and I. We know him better than anyone, will do more for him than anyone else, and love him more than anyone is capable of.

I definitely do not look down on people who make different choices than Ray and I. Everyone must do what they feel is best for them and their family. Ray and I agree that me staying home with Grayson is the best thing for all of us. We feel so good about our decision and plan to “keep on keepin on” with it unless we have no choice but to do something else (which we do not anticipate). But while we do not think about it often, it does cross our minds from time to time. It is a very scary, unpleasant though for both of us. And I know my dreams are those fears of missing out on any part of our son’s life just getting the best of me.

I’m so glad to say that all that hell above was only a nightmare…and spending my days with Grayson and my nights, weekends, and holidays with both Ray and Grayson are simply a dream come true. :)