Gettin' lovin'

I was so sad to reach the point of my pregnancy (with Zander) where I had to cut way back on doing the things I have always done with Grayson - pick him up, carry him around, dance with him, swing him around, etc. I didn't want to stop doing all those things. After all, those things were me and him. But I had no choice but to cut back and eventually stop doing them all together. I talked to Grayson about it many times. I explained why it was that things had changed. He always seemed to listen but how much he understood, I have no idea.
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It broke my heart...brought me to tears all the times I watched his little face change when I told him I couldn't dance with him. I could see how confused and sad he was. That made my heart ache even more. Several times, I just ignored my physical condition and did it anyway. But my body never let me do it as long as I wanted to or as long as I had always done it before. A dance that usually lasted 3-4 minutes only lasted 10-15 seconds.
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Over time, Gray seemed to understand that I couldn't or wouldn't do the fun things with him I used to. He began asking less and less. Fortunately, his Dad and Mimi were there and willing to do those things with him I couldn't do. In one way, I was so glad not only 1 but 2 people were there to take over until I got better. But in another way, I would've given a million bucks to be the one dancing with Grayson.
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The day before we were discharged from the hospital, my mom told G to tell me goodbye. She said, "Give Mommy a hug". I expected him to give hugs as he always does, by putting his head down and leaning over so our heads could meet. Well, that is what I would get if I were lucky. Sometimes Gray is simply too busy to give hugs. :) Instead, he put his head down, leaned towards me, and reached out for me. Being just 3-4 days post-surgery, I couldn't hold him. I just put my arms around him, put his face to mine, and cried as I looked over his shoulder. He wanted me to hold him, and I couldn't. It hurt so bad. I knew we'd only be in the hospital one more night before going home. But even when I got home, it would take a while for me to be headled enough to hold him.
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Later, I wanted to kick myself because I know Grayson is probably confused or feels real sad when I'm sad. But I couldn't help it. And because it was out of my control, maybe him seeing me cry made him understand just how bad I wanted to hold him.
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My mom and Ray always tells me Grayson calls for me when I'm gone. I don't doubt it. He does the same thing for them when they aren't around. The funny thing is that G always seems to want me around. When I step out of the room, I hear him asking for me. But he's happy when I reappear. Although, he doesn't necessarily want or need me for anything. Many times, I've come back to where he is, been told how much he's been asking for me, and tried to get his attention (by playing with him, getting some of his sweet lovin', etc). And he is completely uninterested. He's just too busy to hang out with me, listen to what I have to say, talk to me, etc. He just wanted me there. It seems he finds peace in me simply being there with him. That is heartwarming. I'm glad he wants me around.
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I'm still a long way from being fully recovered from my c-section. I assume it will take another month minimum. And even then, I think I'll feel much better (and look better too) but will still be healing on the inside...and can overdo it if I'm not careful. But it has almost been 2 weeks since the surgery. Needless to say, I am much better than I was right after surgery. And this recovery is much easier than my last (with Grayson).
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So, while I can't go crazy doing physical things, I am already working on becoming more involved with Grayson. It isn't easy because #1, I'm very limited with what I can do at this point. And 2, G is always so busy. Getting love from him requires strategy. If your timing is off, you know right away. He fights you to get away and do what he wants to do. That leaves you feeling rejected - BIG TIME.
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A few nights ago, I cheated. I targeted Gray when he was watching his favorite Barney DVD. Of course, Barney wasn't a guaranteed chance to get some love from Grayson. It was when I felt I had my best chance. So, while he was getting out of his chair that he's supposed to sit in while watching TV, I sat down on the floor and asked him if he wanted to sit on my lap. He took me up on the offer. While sitting, I was able to hold his hands, kiss his cheeks, kiss his neck, scratch his back, tickle him, etc. It was so great! Barney was my bestest friend that day. I completely took advantage of him and his friendship with Grayson, but I didn't care cause I had missed Grayson so much...for so long.
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Last night, I am embarrassed to admit I did the exact same thing. When Grayson was watching Barney, I sat down on the floor and was about to ask him if he wanted to sit with me. Before I had the chance, he walked over to me and plopped himself down on my lap. I was so happy! :) This time I lucked up. I guess he enjoyed sitting with me the night before and decided he wanted to do it again. :)
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I think Ray or I have blogged about this before, but I will talk about it again. We try to get Grayson to stay sitting in his chair (was his couch but his Mimi bought him a nice chair from Pottery Barn Kids to replace it) while he watches TV. Now that he's getting older, we are okay with him not sitting in the chair every single minute. We chose the chair as "the place he needs to be" because it is his chair and because it is a distance away from the TV that we approve of. But we are okay if he sits on our couch or gets up to dance with Barney. Now when he isn't on his chair, on the couch, or up dancing, we usually pause the DVD and ask him to go back to his chair. 9 times out of 10, we do this because he's standing right in front of or right next to the TV. Once he's back in his chair (or at least a good distance from the TV), we unpause the movie so he can continue watching it.
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Well, last night, when he was sitting on my lap, I realized he had a wet diaper. I said, "Grayson, let's pause Barney so we can go change your diaper. We'll come back and watch Barney afterwards, okay?" He may not have gotten every word of what I said, but I know he at least understood the "change your diaper" part. If he didn't, it was because he was so into Barney (and not paying attention to me). :) I then paused the DVD. He got up off my lap real fast and ran to his chair. I felt so bad. I said, "It's okay, baby. You don't have to go sit in your chair. You can sit with me. I paused it because we need to go change your diaper". I couldn't believe he thought I was pausing the DVD to get him to go sit in his chair rather than on my lap. I loved him sitting with me. As a matter of fact, I worried that he wouldn't want to sit with me anymore once we changed his diaper and came back to unpause Barney.
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Right now, Zander is so easy to get lovin' from....and I do it round the clock - every chance I get. :) But Grayson is almost 2. Need I say more? He's busy, busy, busy. If you want a hug or a kiss, you often have to steal it. And I'm willing to do that when need be. :) Honestly, I just cannot get enough of Grayson or Zander. I try hard to give as much of myself to both of them as I can. This can be very tiring (even with Ray's and my mom's help I've had for the last few weeks). But it is worth it. I try to be as close to each of them as I can. Right now, it's really hard to do that with them together. Zander likes to sleep a lot...and Grayson is always full of charge (and when he's not, he refuses to slow down anyway)! Lately, I've felt a little sad when Grayson's bath time rolls around or it's time for Zander's last bottle (while everyone is awake). I am tired and ready to go do something for myself (take a bath, write, lay in bed, or whatever), but I really look forward to seeing Zander during the night for one of his feedings and I wish I could just take Grayson to bed with me so he could cuddle with his Dad and I. :)
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